You're Too Beautiful To Be Single

(song lyrics)

What's your name?
How old are you?
Do you live alone?
Have you got a boyfriend?

You're a pretty girl,
You shouldn't be single

You go out much?
Where do you go?
Do you drive?
What time you knockin' off?

You're a pretty girl,
You shouldn't be on your own

You don't mind me talking to ya,
do ya?
So where do you live?
How are you getting home?

You're a pretty girl
I don't want you to be on your own



NB: If you're really creative, this song can be sung to the tune of 'Tonight's Gonna Be a Good Night' or 'I Got a Feeling' or whatever that Black Eyed Peas song is called.

People Only Do Stuff To Get Laid

(song lyrics)

I knew this guy he was having an affair with a girl he met at the photocopy machine and when he left his wife to pursue his dream, the girl realised some things - he was just another man who can't control himself, just another joke who can't control himself, this will never work, she said, I can't trust you, and now he doesn't get out of bed, and the neighbours, they all hear him crying in the night, the way a baby does, so I said to him, I know this girl, she's not from round here, really sweet, really open, really bright, she likes to make her own things, like jewellery and stuff, she's going to start her own business once she's settled in, I told her about you and the things you like to do, well, some of it wasn't true, but she said she'd like to meet you, and I don't know why I ever said such a thing apart from knowing what joy a good fuck can bring, and I feel so bad when I see her, because she don't know what she's in for, and I know he's screwing the waitress round the corner at that place they like to eat, and this is basically what this song is about, about a man who is only motivated to get involved in intimate relationships because of the sex they bring, and that is why women are so interchangeable and replaceable to him. The song will be about some other things too, but you'll have to use your imagination a bit, because they don't exist.

Instruments that feature in the song:

tambourine
snare drum
bass drum
melodica
violin
human voice (conversational tone)

I Bet Jesus Never Felt This Bad

(song lyrics)

These lyrics will be written one day. It's a song about the confusing feelings that come from being in love. The narrator bets Jesus never felt that bad because as far as we know, Jesus was never in love. The narrator is suggesting that a broken heart is the worst kind of pain there is, but in doing so, reveals his/her naivete about the human experience because, man, have you seen 'Passion of the Christ'?

I Don't Get It, I Don't Like It

(song lyrics)

Why’s it that all the pretty girls
Always wanna fall in love with jerks?
What’s wrong with me? I’m a nice guy
I dress okay, and I’ve got a nice job
It’s not a great job
But it pays the bills
I suppose I’m just one of those guys
that reminds the girls of a brother
Why can’t I be like all the others?
I don’t get it
I don’t like it
I don’t get it
I don’t like it
I don’t get it
I don’t like it no more

Yesterday I was at a bakery
And an Asian man wanted some bread
(we all gotta eat, right?)
But how come he wasn’t speaking English?
He held up about fifteen people trying to make his order
Well maybe not fifteen people
But there sure were a lot of us
And then when he paid
He said, “thank-you very much
Have a nice day”
I don’t get it
I don’t like it
I don’t get it
I don’t like it
I don’t get it
I don’t like it no more

I don’t understand why golfers always complain
About the sounds of bird whistles
'Cause they’re trying to focus on their game
Who are they to tell everyone to shut up?
Obviously they can’t be that good
If they can’t block out all the things around them
That bother them
I don’t get it
I don’t like it
I don’t get it
I don’t like it
I don’t get it
I don’t like it no more

Sometimes I think I’m the only one
Who just can't seem to have any fun
When I leave my house to meet the day
People they just always gotta get in my way
There must be an answer somewhere out there
There must be a reason why I oughtta care
I don’t get it
I don’t like it
I don’t get it
I don’t like it
I don’t get it
I don’t like it no more

Once I woke up in the middle of the night
Turned my head, saw the clock
Said half past three in the morning
And I couldn’t move. There was a pressure
And when I looked
I saw this tiny demon sitting on my chest
Scared the hell outta me!
I couldn’t move
I just had to wait it out
I think that demon moved me in some way
Yeah, I think it mighta
I don’t get it
I don’t like it
I don’t get it
I don’t like it
I don’t get it
I don’t like it no more

Aw hell. I feel a little funny now
I’ve never told these things before
There was this one other incident in my sleep
But I don’t like to go into it
It’s embarrassing. You might think I’m a homosexual
I just wanna say
I know I know some thing
And I wonder
Am I the only man walking around
With all this stuff in his head?
How come no-one else sings about it?
How come no-one else writes about it?
You can never be too sure
Of what other people might think
Hell, I ain’t got a clue
I don’t get it
I don’t like it
I don’t get it
I don’t like it
I don’t get it
I don’t like it no more.

I Can't Come

(song lyrics to a hand-clapping song)

I love my Jonny baby and my Jonny loves me

And when I'm with him there ain't nowhere I would rather be

But all my friends are at the party having lots of fun

And I've never even been to one and I can't come

I can't come

I can't come

I can't come

Maybe I could sneak out go out with another guy

But when I tell my Jonny that well Jonny baby cries

I'm hating on this feeling yeah it's really really dumb

But there's a party going on and I can't come

I can't come

I can't come

I cant come

Jonny rides a motorbike I think it's really neat

He picks me up and we go riding every single street

But something 'bout that hill climb that he takes to take me home

We never seem to make it so I walk back home alone

A Lap-dance From LaFawndah

(song lyrics)

NB: these lyrics also have not been written and I don't think that is any reason why I ought not mention them in my lyrics/poetry blog. Some song lyrics need not be writ, really. When you think about it.

Anyway but I'm not being entirely honest, you see. Because I do have some lyrics. Here. I'll show them to you. They follow on from this precarious use of the semi-colon;

But I got a lap-dance from LaFawndah

a lap-dance from La Fawndah

a lap-dance from La Fawndah

The day you went away

Now the lyrics part has stopped and I am going to continue my narration. In my narration I am going to explain to you what happens in the song lyrics. This is what happens.

1. The narrator of the song arrives home late one evening. Let's say it's midnight. He says the moon is asleep because he is using his poetic license that he bought from a store in Cambodia when he was in his early twenties.

2. He takes off his hat. He mentions something about his boots being tired.

3. He is irrevocably nostalgic and mentions the following things: "lilies", "you", "touch of your breath", "smell of your song" (synesthesic narrator).

4. But he got a lap-dance from LaFawndah, etc.

5. He mentions the letter left by his love who has left him.

6. She wasn't going to "leave him" leave him. She was just going to take a holiday to Sydney. But the narrator was meant to be home in time to see her catch

7. the night train.

8. But he was too late, and female intuition led her to believe that he was up to no good. But was he? Oh, he most certainly was!

9. Because he got a lap-dance from LaFawndah, etc.

10. He sleeps alone and dreams about being with his love again. He can still smell LaFawndah's perfume which only compounds the shame he is experiencing. Maybe one day somebody will write these lyrics properly. If his love would give him a second chance he would be the best man he could ever be.

11. But he got a lap-dance from LaFawndah, etc.

Hackapella Say What Up

(poetry)

two thousand and ten

WHEN YA GET SO ZEN?

comin' atcha from the west end

the best end

I got the bass all up in this place

time and space now, flava gonna set the pace ("yee bwoi!")

so don't waste

cuz it's time to get wicked

don't disrispic' it ("yee bro!")

just because I kick it

faster than I wrick it ("bro!")

my licks are slicker than rickets on ya kickers in winter

can I get a witness?

some say I'm slack and I just gownst kick back like a fat jack at macca's

but I attack, faster than a cheetah

cuz I'm neater and streeter and the beats keep gettin' beater

("Yee bwoi!")

I'm phat like triglycerides

rock and cholesterol

packin' the action I'm fatal attraction

these bitches don't be advertisin'

so if ya see DJ Hackapella on the mic

ask what it's like it's like she getting hyped tonight

cuz if ya strike it ain't for ya good health

but she won't strike if you just

treat animals kindly and invite her to things she likes to do on the weekends

("yee bwoi!")